Without you
by Oracle73191
Summary: Whatever happened to Mimi inbetween Goodbye love and Finale? RogerMimi if you couldn't guess...COMPLETE and reuploaded for errors..USED TO BE CALLED ESCAPE!
1. And Sometimes we fall

I stumble up to him. He's sitting there with that same damn smile on his face. He knew I would be back. I was doing fine without him and his damn needles.

I just need an escape.. I need to get his face out of my head. I slip what little money I have for that small pack of powder. My heart races as he pulls me close and

Mutters "You see? You see, you can't live without me you stupid whore. No one can change that." He pushes me away abruptly and smiles as I race to the building.

I am so lost.. My hands are shaking in anticipation as I climb the torn to hell stairs that hold this measly apartment together. Then I see him. I know he must

see me but the only acknowledgement I get is a terse nod and a clenched jaw. You'd think we were strangers.. but I guess we are. We always were. I fumble at my door.

I can't see the fucking lock through my tears. I can hear the door slam shut behind him. Shaking like a leaf, I grab the needle. Only a few more minutes... Only a few

Minutes until my escape. The needle comes closer and closer to my waiting arm. I close my eyes and a firework show of all the memories blast through my mind. Damn, I was so close too.

The needle slips from my hand as the tears start to fall. I can't do it.


	2. Over the edge and hanging by a thread

Chap. 2- Over the edge and hanging by a thread

By: Oracle73191

AN- Wasn't sure if I was going to continue this one but... I got bored during Spanish and Government and this is the result..

Disclaimer- not mine...don't sue I am 14 and all I own is my black belt and this computer...

FLASHBACK

"What is this Mimi?" He was holding my escape while staring at me intently. You could always tell his moods by his eyes. He wasn't angry, his eyes weren't clouded.

He was just lost, hopelessly and totally lost. He wanted to believe that I could quit for him. He had overestimated me. They all had.

"Please baby its just one hit... Please? JUST ONE!" It had been 2 days without a hit. And I couldn't take it much longer... "You don't understand baby.. its so hard...

I can't do this!" That had been what set him off... How could I have forgotten?

His eyes instantly went cloudy. NOW he was upset. "How can you say that I don't understand? Did you forget, Mimi? I spent months in the loft, just trying to stop shaking! Don't you DARE tell ME I don't know how it is? Have you found someone you loved soaked with their own blood recently? Maybe if you would stop whoring yourself out for a needle and powder and THOUGHT for a moment you would remember that your shit KILLS people." He was panting heavily now... God why did I have to make him think of her? I never do anything right...

"Roger why don't you just leave... I'm not worth it." I was sobbing now... he no longer looked pissed as hell... he looked exhausted... like he hadn't slept in days. I guess he hadn't, he was too busy making sure I didn't leave the loft. His voice was now soft...

"Don't say that. Ever. You are worth all of this and more. Keep trying baby... we'll help you. Mark said he would help me. He's done this before. We'll get through this together ok? I promise."

PRESENT

But... he had given up. Not that I can say I blame him. I am such a screw up. Bile starts to burn in my throat and I race for the bathroom. I grasp either side of the broken sink and look at my reflection.

My hair was matted to my forehead in sweaty knots. My face was pale, I felt like shit. I haven't eaten in three days and I don't even remember the last time I took my AZT. The funny thing is...

I have no desire to take it. I am perfectly content to waste away here without him. I don't want to live. I need out... I am NOT gonna wait for things to get worse.

Worse? I think while laughing hysterically. It can't get worse... the only question now is how? Gun? Too expensive. Overdose? I don't have nearly enough and that death was too painful for me.

Laughing even harder I grab a razor. It's the perfect end. Just like the girl before me.

It's beautiful. So inviting. It's screaming at me "TWO CUTS. JUST TWO AND IT WILL ALL BE OVER." It's almost taunting me... My laughter continues as I start to sob. I lift the blade high over my wrist.

Which one first? Which way is it again? Horizontal...Closing my eyes the blades rushes down to my awaiting skin...I can hear myself scream. One down... One more to go.

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	3. No need to endure anymore

Not MINE STOP RUBBING IT IN DANG IT!

Gasping I try to catch my breath... one more... I raise the blade up and close my eyes...

"MMI OPEN THE DAMN DOOR NOW!"

My eyes snap wide open and I drop my ticket out of here. I know that voice.. it's so painfully familiar.

SHIT... my wrist... he can't see it... I need to put on a brave face... Frantic I scrub at the growing tide of red that has started to flood my arm. "C-Coming..."

TOO LATE!

He broke down my door. The DUMBASS BROKE my door. Beautiful. So much for making a "brave face"... I should a have swung it when I had the fucking chance. I stumble out of the bathroom to meet him. I look like shit, and that's putting it KINDLY. To make matters worse.. I am dizzy.. so dizzy... I think I am starting to lose more blood...

And meanwhile the bumbling invader stands shock still with his mouth at his feet. He's gonna catch flies at that rate. "Wh-What happened to you?"

I don't speak. What can I say? My ex-lover has just barged in on me trying to kill myself the same way his last girl did. Fucking wonderful. And now he is walking... towards me one… foot.. Two feet... three feet...

Every alarm in my body is SCREAMING NO! Yet I stand there... to afraid to move... I am getting dizzier... this is SO screwed up...the cut is still bleeding. Apparently he's finally noticed...

"Shit.. Mimi... you couldn't have been?"

The floor is rushing towards me... when the hell did floors start MOVING?

"Meems... Can you hear me? Oh my God... you are burning up... where the hells your AZT? Mimi can you even hear me?" He's whispering something else...

I try to reach up and stroke his cheek but for some reason my hands aren't moving... Why do my eyelids keep fluttering like that? I WANT TO LOOK AT HIM DAMN IT!

"Go away" I mumbled it... but I know he heard me... WHY DID I SAY THAT?

Once again... bad word choice... his eyes are getting colder...My arms finally decide to listen to me and I stroke his cheek, and he shudders. Well now... maybe there is hope yet!  
I smile softly.

He's pressing one of my old shirts to the cut. It's not very effective... But the blood is slowing. Is he crying? I DON'T WANT HIS PITY!

"Mimi... why? Where are your meds at?"

MEDS? Ha! I have hardly enough money to EAT let alone take my meds.. As if I really wanted to anyways. Why delay the inevitable? I hear someone's barking laughter...

Oh my god that would be MY barking laughter.. Stupid STUPID STUPID... Why can't I stop? He's looking at me like I am CRAZY... though I guess I am. Why else would there be a deep razor cut across my wrist?

"Mimi.. try to listen to me.. You need a DOCTOR. I am going to go get Mark and some AZT."

"NO! PLEASE, NO! ROGER NO!" The words come out more forcefully then I intended them to. Yet another screw up. Score Mimi! Just GREAT.

Eyes are getting colder... more distant. Then it finally hits me... I have lost him. He's only here to stop me from killing myself.. Nothing more. There's nothing there. There never was.

I was nothing more then a fling.

"FINE MIMI! Whatever. Kill yourself. Better a RAZOR then a NEEDLE." Shit he must have seen that damn needle when he was looking for the meds.

I wanted to SCREAM I DIDN'T USE IT! But it didn't come out. He's picking me up again, and I am kicking with everything I've got.

WHAM!

Right in the tub filled with cold water.

"The bleeding has stopped and the razor is out the window. See yah around."

And with that he is out the door.

Does he REALLY think he is getting away THAT easy? I HAVE to have the last word. Has he learned NOTHING?  
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I can hear him yelling at Mark from down here. My hair is cleaned and combed and I am wearing my best skirt. I try to remind myself that I was once pretty, I am nothing more then a shadow of what I once was though and no one would consider me anything more then a stick now. Oh well.. work with what yah got.

I start up to the loft and pause right outside the door.. My hand on the handle...They're yelling about ME.

Ok I know.. Eavesdropping on my ex is pretty damn low... but can you blame a girl for being desperate? Wait there's MARK... is he actually yelling.. Holy shit Mark YELLS?

"Mimi still loves you...Are you REALLY jealous or afraid that Mimi's weak?"

"Mimi did look pale..."

"Mimi's gotten thin, Mimi's running out of time and you're running out the door?"

"NO MORE... I'll call... I hate the fall..."

S-H-I-T

The only thing worse then getting caught trying to commit suicide? Getting caught eavesdropping on HIM. DAMN IT. Just frikkin PEACHY

"You heard?"

"EVERY WORD..."

HA now it's his TURN to look like the dear in the headlights...

"You don't want baggage without lifetime guarantees you don't want to watch me DIE. I just came to say GOOD BYE LOVE GOOD BYE LOVE"

He mutters something about glory and trips out the door and stumbles down the stairs...

Gee... thanks for LISTENING. Never was his strong point though...

Mark is looking at me with so much pity in his eyes. Poor Mark... always trying to help and never knowing what to do. Do any of us?

"I know a place..."

I cut him off by turning around to hide my tears and racing down the god-forsaken stairs for THE LAST TIME and out the door.

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	4. Some dream

"it's cold"  
My first lucid thought and the best I got is.. "it's cold"? I need to eat something soon.

Living on the street hasn't really been that great. heh. Understatement of the fucking year. I haven't seen or heard anything from anyone. Well, what did I expect? It's not like they can call me or run to my apartment and tell me the news. Wasn't that the point of being here though? Can't screw anyone else up if they can't even find me.

I DID see Mark the other day with that same old camera. He looked right at me, even recorded me but didn't recognize me. I must look like hell by now. I haven't showered in weeks and I haven't eaten since I found that McDonalds bag a couple days ago. Hell, the "man" didn't know it was me either. I had to actually REMIND him. He USED to know me even when he was as high as a kite.

The other thing about the streets. I am dead broke. I should have planned this a tad bit better. But at the time, I just wanted to die.. Isn't that what I want still? I mean, I thought it was, but now I am not so sure. If I really wanted to die then why am I still feeding myself?

The weird thing about this whole situation is that I have managed to stay cleaner here then I ever did with Roger. I have been clean for weeks now, and that's a record for me. The man offered to let me pay for it using other "ways", but I turned him down. I will NOT become another one of his drug whores EVER again. I have to prove that I can stay clean, for him.

I wonder where he is right now. I could try going to the loft and asking Mark, but to be honest I feel like shit. I could barely stand up to try to find food this morning, let alone travel to the loft and back. And knowing Mark, he wouldn't let me back out of his sight. There's not much he could do really. I haven't taken anything since... well since I left.

I know that I must be dying, whether I want to or not. The only thing I want to do now is see him. I want him here when I leave, I want to say goodbye. Without a yelling match.  
Unlike at Angel's funeral.

I had a dream about her last night. WE were back at the Life after Maureen's protest. Mark was filming us, Roger was holding me, and her and Collins were kissing on top of the table, much to Benny's dismay. Everyone was together again, and then the dream got darker. I dreamed I was back in the hospital with Angel. It was the last time she and I got to talk without everyone else being there. I was upset about Roger and she was trying to help...

"But what if he really doesn't love me Angel? Why can't he just tell me?"

"Hun, its Roger. He has to be the Drama Queen. Besides, he doesn't need to say anything. It's all in his eyes. You can read his every mood through his eyes. Just give him some time Mimi chica, you'll see. He'll be back. He will always come back to you." That's all she had said. She and started to say something else, but she had fallen back asleep again. She looked so peaceful, and maybe.. Happy?

And then she woke up.. Back to this living hell where he hadn't "come back"

This old guy keeps looking at me. It's kind of freaky really. Aw hell, here he comes. With a church mission shirt. Don't these people know when to give it up?

"Hey there, you look like you could use a warm meal and a quick clean up. The church across here is having a tiny soup kitchen dinner in the spare room."

Apparently NOT.

Aw here come the puppy eyes. There green, like Roger's. If I did go.. Maybe it would help him. Make him feel warm and fuzzy inside for helping some piece of trash in the park.

"Come on, it's just across the street."

Groaning... I sit up... too quick. Fireworks explode in my head.. Pretty.. But painful. After a couple minutes I finish pulling myself up and stare at him. Well.. here we go again...


	5. Out of place

At least he didn't lie. The church really was only like a block away from my bench. Pathetic.. My new home has become a cold rusting metal bench. Anyways, back to the church. It looked like it belonged down south really. It was very simple, old white paint that was peeling off in someplaces and a nice little tower steeple at the front with a modest wood cross. It stood out among the shitty ruins of New York, like some small ray of innocence in the description that was New York.

Their idea of a "soup kitchen" was a white pullout table with about 30 bowls of what was supposed to be chili but resembled burnt mush. But hey, when you're hungry, anything tastes better then 3 day old McDonald's. I had to eat very very slow because I felt like I was gonna puke with every spoonful I took. The old man watched me that WHOLE time. A little messed up. It was like his whole day relied on making me feel better. I didn't know people still acted like that, but I guess they do. He gave me some old clothes when I was done. They were definitely too big, but if I put them over my regular clothes they would at least keep me warm, hopefully. I was getting ready to leave but he pulled me to the back.

"There's an old shower down the hall to your left. No guarantees on hot water, but you will feel much better. I promise."

I was choking up. Why the hell was he doing this? Did he realize who he was wasting his time on? Come on, I have fucked up my life so bad. I finally got one good thing going for me and I screw it up. Go figure.

OK, so there wasn't much hot water, but I felt almost like the old Mimi when I got out.

A/N- Yup one more chapter left, I know it's been a while (again) but I would really like some reviews. I know this story line is a little bit different, but lets face it, there's no way in hell she would have been able to survive on the streets of New York in freezing cold weather for any more then one week. Tops.


	6. Your eyes

I get changed and race out the back door. I should at least say thanks, I know, but I couldn't stand to face them again.

Where do I go from here? Where is there to go? The loft quickly flashed through my mind. I COULD go there, but what was the point? Mark would just try to get me in rehab and I would just end up screwing up yet again and ruining everything. Life can be a bitch sometimes. Back to my bench it is then. It's getting colder. The few hours away from this hell hole have lowered the temperature down to almost 20 degrees. I try to settle myself down comfortably on my bench. Well, as comfortable as one can get on freezing metal bench on a windy New York winter night.

The park has become a ghost town by now. Not that that is all too surprising, between the weather and the crime rate who would want to come out walking? It's so cold. My mind feels like it's numbing up. My thoughts are slowing. Everything is becoming black... I feel boxed in, I want to wake up, but my eyelids won't listen. I try to scream for help, but the words won't come out. Who would come anyways? Who cares about a dried up stripper who broke the only good thing in her life? Black... Everything is black...

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Am I moving?

"MIMI! HOLY SHIT! POOKIEEEEE! OH MY GOD! SHE'S OVER HERE!"

I must be in hell...

"Honey she needs a hospital ASAP!"

Maybe not that sounds like Joanne...I don't want a hospital.. No...

"No, Roger" I surprised myself with that.

"THAT SHITHEAD"

Maureen the drama queen... very fitting title. I may not be able to see Joanne but I just know the exact look on her face right now. She's giving Maureen the "shut-the-fuck-up" face.

"To Roger it is then... shh honey everything is gonna be alright."

And then I am left to blackness again.

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EPILOGE-

So much has changed in the last 48 hours. The "shithead" as Maureen loves me. He told me... well... I guess more of sang it to me? Whatever. It doesn't matter anymore.

He looks so happy right now, and all he is doing is burning what was supposed to be breakfast but now resembles burnt tires.

"WHAT are you staring at?" He is trying to look annoyed but failing completely. "

"Your eyes" I answer simply.


	7. Author's Notes

Right well... It's been a long time coming as far as fixing it up is concerned and a huge thanks to all those who helped me out. Well.. I hope you all enjoyed it and PLEASE review because if you're gonna take the time to read it you might as well spend an extra minute to give suggestions.

Also, I've never seen the musical version of Rent, but I was told that this story would work in either version.

For everyone who doesn't like the whole church idea because Mimi isn't shown as a religious person...

It's free food and clothes and she was starving. Do you really think she gave a shit?

That's it.. I think… lol


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